Saturday, December 31, 2005

If you blog 'em they will come!

We’re back! Sorry for the long silence. Just got caught up in the holidays and couldn’t find the time to sit down and write. But we’re back now and, hopefully, we haven’t completely lost the friends who come to visit us every now and then. Gosh, I never knew it was this demanding to maintain a blog….but it’s fun though and I’d never give up on it no matter how busy things may get.

So how is everyone? I’m trying to entertain myself here cause D is still away on a holiday somewhere and I was specifically tasked to make sure that things go along smoothly on our blog. Too bad I can’t add a chatroom window on here. Wouldn’t it be great if I could chat directly with our buddies who drop by? I’m sure Les would be fun to chat with. Loulou would be hilarious and Mr. Dinkle? Well, he’d be like Confucius giving out words of wisdom, I’m sure. Oh well, but this is a blog, not a paid website as D would remind me every now and then. It just seems so lonely sometimes without anyone to chat with!

Speaking of D, I wonder if he’s gone to see King Kong already. He likes monkeys (hopefully that’s why he calls me his monkeybutt), but I don’t. They remind me too much of humans (not that I hate humans being one myself). Besides it seems not a lot of people are excited to see this film anyway. Or am I wrong? You know what I think it is? I think most people have had enough of movies that boast of nothing but special effects. I think TV has over-discussed what goes on with these special effects thus taking away the mystery and fun of it all. It was quite exciting with Godzilla, Star Wars, even Forrest Gump. But now everyone knows about the blue screen, the hydrolics, the prosthesis. Sometimes when you discuss a thing too much, it loses its luster. Imagine if David Copperfield discussed on TV how he does his magic, then no one would go watch his performances anymore, right?

For those who are big King Kong fans, don’t mind me. I’m just rambling on. Truth is, I’m so excited to be back I don’t exactly know what to talk about. But I’ll get to it. Meanwhile, let me, on behalf of my sweetie D, greet you all a happy new year. And to those who left comments on my Christmas song post (thank God they were mostly nice…see what Christmas can do to people?) thank you, thank you so much for your kind words! Good thing Simon Cowell is not a blogger. Don’t worry, folks, I’m not about to record another song. Why not? Cause I plan to leave that Christmas song posted on here the entire year! JOKING! Oh well, guess this post has to end without me actually talking about anything. That’s okay since anyway all I really wanted to say was: HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!

J

Friday, December 30, 2005

A Holiday Song By J for You

this is an audio post - click to play

Happy holidays to all our wonderful visitors! May the new year bring peace, joy and prosperity to all.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Let's Take the A Train. NOT!

Dear G. Pataki,

My girlfriend J, who is very pretty (she told me so), says that there cannot be a transit strike because this is the shopping season and people need to be able to shop for Christmas (even though she will soon be Jewish). Also, people and even Muslims need to be able to get to see the magical Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. So please your “g”ness, rock solid and put an end to this uncalled for strike.

Thanks, and as always, stay kosher,

D

P.S. You and the city have a contingency plan like I have a vagina.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

I Expect Flowers Too


Dear D,

I am a female and would like to get a male’s opinion on this: should a girl offer to pay for dinner on a first date?

Deloris

Dear Deloris,

I like to go to a girl’s apartment on a first date. I find it very comfortable and it gives me a chance to see if she is tidy, which is a big turn on for me. So to answer your question, of course she should pay for the dinner, after all she is the one who had to do the shopping and the cooking. It is rather presumptuous to assume that I am going pay for her groceries on a first date.

She should also pay for my gas. After all, I am driving to her, and have you seen the price of gas lately.

I also think she should reimburse me for any ancillary costs I incur for the date: like condoms. Why in the world should I have to pay for condoms when she is the one who will be receiving the majority of the pleasure?

Finally, I expect some sort of parting gift for the date, perhaps a shirt or tie. That is not too much to ask for, is it?

So to answer your question again, yes, the girl should not only offer to pay for the date, she should.

D

P.S. Just kidding, I only expect her to pay for the condoms.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Going Down - Not Unless You Buy Me Dinner First

Life in these islands can be surreal – at times weirdly funny; at other times just a wee bit out-of-this-world. It has its rewards though especially for someone like me who suddenly found herself in an extended holiday in this exotic country. You see, I came here to the Philippines to visit an ailing aunt who, sadly, eventually passed away. Excited to see my cousins and trying in my own way to help my uncle get over the loss, I ended up staying for over two months. Then one thing led to another and I started developing severe stomach cramps. I was told I needed to undergo gall bladder surgery; so I did. Unfortunately, an unexpected thing happened during my surgey and in the height of all the tension, my surgeon accidentally sliced my bile duct. Zoom in to the present time and I’m still here, almost 5 months since I first came, trying to heal my wounds as quickly as humanly possible.

Don’t take me wrong though, I am not complaining. It’s true, I plan to sue the living daylights out of that stupid surgeon but as to my recovery, I can’t complain. My relatives are treating me like a real princess.

Hey, but this is not what this post is all about. It’s about funny things I’ve encountered so far in my interactions with people from here. Take for instance that one time I went to have my passport validated at the Canadian embassy. I was standing at the rearmost part of a ‘talking’ elevator in one of the more modern buildings in the city when, after listening to the elevator saying over and over, “You are now on the 29th floor. The door is about to close. You are now on the 30th floor. The door is about to close,” a young girl near the elevator door suddenly blurts out,”Mom, doesn’t that woman ever get tired of saying the same thing over and over?” Seemingly irked at her daughter’s rather stupid question, the woman answers in a voice loud enough for all of us passengers to hear, “How in heaven’s name can she get tired when . . .she’s getting paid to do that!”

Say what? Of course, I didn’t laugh! I didn’t smile either in case they start thinking I was laughing at them. But I immediately knew then as I positively know now — life in these islands is gonna be one interesting, side-splitting heck of a ride!

J

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

You Got Chocolate on My Condom. . . No, You Got Condom on My Chocolate!

I just finished watching an old episode of Seinfeld and it was hilarious. It’s about Jerry getting upset over finding a tube of fungicide in his girlfriend’s medicine cabinet. The reason: Ellen, who’s dating a podiatrist, warned him that a tube of fungicide in one’s bathroom meant Athlete’s foot! Of course, it turns out the ointment was for the girl’s cat.

But honestly, when you think about it, how many times have we actually let strangers (okay, we call them guests) walk into our bathrooms without making sure that the bathroom is clean enough or tidy enough not to expose things that give away some little secret about us. Think about it!

I should know, I had a similar thing happen to me. No, actually, to my cousin. Luckily, we were the 'unravelers' not the 'unravelees' of some dark hidden secret of a most unlikely couple. Ok, here's what happened. Cousin and I were invited for tea by her co-workers - a well-heeled, highly respected middle-aged couple who were both teachers in the school my cousin worked in. Just as we were about to sit down for tea, my cousin realized she needed to wash her hands. She came out a few minutes after with a weird expression on her face. It didn't need much prodding from me (it never does, if you knew my cousin) for her to blurt out, later that day, what she saw in the bathroom. The ugly truth: there was a giant-sized box of chocolate-flavored condoms on the shelf above the toilet! Excitedly she squealed, "Who would have known those two could be soooooo naughty, huh? Not to mention, a little kinky for their age, huh?!"

“How do you know those belong to them?” I asked. “Well, they also had chocolate flavored douche and some chocolate-flavored spray-on that read ‘for the added tingle,’” she insisted. I asked if that was all she saw. "There were also 6 boxes of Preparation H,” She said. “Don't tell me even those were chocolate-flavored!” I screamed. "Who are these people, Mr. and Mrs. Willie Wonka!" “Relax,” she said, “Preparation H was regular, classic sort. No flavor. Poor Harry must be having problems with his you-know-what.”

So, ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

Next time you invite guests over, it might be a good idea if you gave your bathroom a once-over. Just to make sure the coast is clear. After all, you wouldn't want all those hidden secrets about you opened up for public consumption, do you? Me? My leather whips and edible panties are safely tucked somewhere and hidden under lock and key. A girl needs her privacy.

Monday, December 12, 2005

No Blog Is an Island


I don’t know about you but life as a blogger, as we are painfully finding out, is lonely and frustrating. You do your best to give your readers something interesting to read, hoping you’d get a comment or two that may start an interesting thread of conversation. You hope to touch base with people with similar interests who want to share their ideas with you or maybe become friends with. But . . . sadly this doesn’t happen. Sure, you get comments, but one or two comments a week is just too little! D tells me not to worry about it. He says the important thng is, when we check our site meter, we see that people did drop by to visit our blog. But I really would have wanted to talk, you know? Share an opinion or a cup of coffee, toss an idea or a football, help with something, ANYTHING!

But one doesn't always get what one wants. So, whoever you are reading this, let me give you a big hug, a resounding kiss and a warm welcome to our blog! It would really be so much fun to get to know you and maybe visit your blog, too. But if that's not ok, well then, I understand. Just feel free to come back tomorrow and the day after.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Life's a bitch!

Do you notice how pet dogs tend to mirror their owners' looks, personality and behavior? It’s uncanny really but it’s true! I used to think it was silly when my brother swore that our neighbor’s large Afghan hound was starting to look like our neighbor Mr. Mathers until one morning when I actually came across them taking their usual morning jog. I swear, they had the same tired facial expression!

Weird really, but now I realize this is not only true of dogs and their owners in Canada but in any part of the world! Take for instance my cousin’s toy poodle Toffee. I am currently on vacation in Asia and I’m staying at my cousin’s place. Being a dog lover I have assumed care of her pet dog while she goes to work and does her everyday things. However, she might as well be home because her dog behaves exactly like she does! See, my cousin is the youngest and the only daughter in a male-dominated family. Needless to say her family treats her like a princess. Well, her dog is exactly the same. He cannot eat without being spoonfed (he doesn’t like getting food on his snout), he tiptoes when he is made to walk on the grass (he hates getting mud on his paws) and he will never sleep on the floor unless he has a throw pillow to sleep on.

I swear I’m not making this up. It’s definitely true! Which makes me think, and maybe this will be a useful thought to any of you out there are planning to get a pet dog, maybe you should ask yourself the question, “If I were a dog, what dog would I want to be? A cute little bassett hound, perhaps, or maybe a nice friendly golden retriever?” I’m sure if Mr. Mathers knew this beforehand, he wouldn’t have gotten himself that weird looking Afghan hound, but then again, nobody asked that Afghan hound if he wanted to eventually look like Mr. Mathers. Doggone!

J

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Rub It... You Know How to Rub It Don't You?

My fellow Canuck mishmash wants to know what the hell (his own words) he’s supposed to do when it’s 13 degrees below freezing in Ontario. Well, mishmash, ever heard of the phrase “Mind over matter”? Here’s what you do: Set up 10 or 20 gas torches outside your house and hold a luau! Invite everyone. So what if there’s frozen ice everywhere! Just put on your warmest eskimo jacket over your wool union suit and you’re fine! It’s mind over matter, remember? And to make it more authentic, start the fire yourself. Click here to find out how. You can do it! C’mon! Be a man, aye?

J

For J


I

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

II

One shade the more, one ray the less
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in evey raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

III

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent !

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Seven Eleven and Me


D calls me his "little slurpee." Guess why?

J

**** You Too

Jake the Snake asks in our comments, “Why should I give a **** what you think?” Here's my response:


Well, Jake, “We’re just trying to **** ***** like you do a **** job in whatever projects you may have or with ******** personal issues you may **** help with.” (Direct translation: “We’re just trying to help friends like you do a good job in whatever projects you may have or with whatever personal issues you may need help with.” *sweet smile*).

J


P.S. **** you too (Direct translation: “love you too.”)

Monday, December 05, 2005

Remember When Romeo and Juliet Died

Dear Blogger:

Our website was down all day today. That made me sad, very sad. "How sad?", you ask. Well, let me tell you. Remember when ET almost died? Do you remember? How about Old Yeller? Remember when the Big Bad Wolf raped Little Red Riding Hood? Do you remember? Do you remember when Michael Jackson was acquitted? Well, now he is probably molesting little boys in Bahrain by giving them “Allah Juice.” Does that make you sad? Well now you know how I felt, Blogger.

The Middle East process, that makes me sad too. In 1973 Israel was almost defeated. Do you care? Were you there? Neither was I, but it still makes me sad.

You know what else makes me sad? The BCS - I know it worked out this year pitting a decisive number one versus a decisive number two, but still, it makes me sad. Luck is not to be rewarded. And this year it was just lucky. Blogger you were not unlucky today because luck has nothing to do with incompetence.

Please don’t let this happen again. I don’t want to be sad again. Remember when Boromir was killed in “Fellowship of the Ring?” That did not make me that sad, but I am sure that you fantasy loving tech geeks who run Blogger were sad and maybe even cried. Now you have an idea how I felt when Bogger was down all day.

So please, for the love of Bambi’s mother who died in a very sad way and for Chrissy whose departure sadly signaled the beginning of the end for “Three’s Company,” please keep Blogger running. Maybe I get what I pay for, or maybe you just like making me sad.

Very truly yours, in all sadness,

D

Saturday, December 03, 2005

There's Always Barry White


Dear J,

My bf used to be very affectionate, but now we have been together for over a year and he no longer initiates sex. What can I do?

Cold in Wisconsin

Dear Cold in Wisconsin,

It’s ok, C, guys have a tendency to do that but that doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love you anymore. Maybe the fire just needs some stoking. Maybe, you can borrow mishmash’s torch (see previous post: “Rub It... You Know How to Rub It Don't You?”), or better yet, start a fire of your own. There are ways you can do this as well as things that can help you set your man in the right mood. First, you must for the occasion. Then you have to create the right atmosphere. And if all else fails, do as I do, click here.

Catch my drift? Shhhh, it’s our little secret okay? Don’t tell D I told you! You’re on your way, sweetie. Let the love flow, girl! Woo-hoo!

J

Because God is a Penn State Fan


Elmo thinks he’s funny when he asks “why is the sky blue?” But at musingswithababybottle we treat all questions respectfully, so Elmo, you ask and we answer:

When transmitted light such as sunlight enters our atmosphere it collides with the oxygen and nitrogen atoms. The color with the shorter wavelength is scattered more by this collision. Because violet and blue are the shortest wavelengths the sky appears to be violet / blue. But because our eyes are more sensitive to blue light than they are violet light, we perceive the sky as blue.

Our eyes contain thousand of rods and cones, which are the receptors for light. Whenever one of the 3 Stooges pokes you in the eye you see a giant blue spot. This is because the blue receptors have been activated. Blue is one of the primary colors and thus more easily activated and seen by our eyes.

Blue is also how I feel when my baby leaves, when my hound dog dies and when I have to answer silly questions . Also, it is how I feel when the cops pull me over and I see their blue lights flashing in my rear view mirror. Blue is also the color of the K-mart special, so this color isn't all bad.

D

Can I throw a color question back at you and ask "Why are you red, Elmo, when Kermit is green?"

J

Malpractice

J just spilled bile all over herself. She went into the hospital for a simple gall stone removal surgery and the fucking doctor negligently and incompetently cut her bile duct. She now has a tube that drains her bile into a baby bottle that she wears around her waist -- fucking incompetent doctor.

Makes me so angry I want to scream. Actually it makes me want to kill something. Such a sweet and gentle girl victimized by an arrogant prick doctor.

D

Friday, December 02, 2005

I've Got A Crush on You

Dear J,

I have a crush on my best friend’s boyfriend and I don’t know what to do! I’m so scared she’ll notice cause whenever he’s around I drop things including myself. I’ve fallen flat on my face a couple of times cause I get all excited and klutzy! Help me. I don’t know what to do.

K from Cali

Dear K,

Relax, take a deep breath, and use your head, girl! Oops, sorry that just kinda slipped out. Seriously now, this is not a good situation you’re in. First because, if you act on this emotion, you stand to lose your best friend. Secondly, you’re not even sure the guy feels the same towards you. My suggestion is: DON’T OVERTHINK THIS PROBLEM! Just let things be. Like all crushes, it is sure to fade in time. Most likely, you’re just lonely. So, go out and find a guy of your own. There’s tons of fish in the ocean. Just be wary of sharks. Salmon are yummier though my own D is more of a cuddly blow fish, so yummy but deadly sometimes. : )

J

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I love you, D


Last night D and I had a bad fight and we almost split up. I’ve never been sadder and more afraid in my entire life! It’s nowhere near the harrowing experience I had in the hands of my incompetent surgeon who injured my bile duct and almost killed me. The thought of losing D felt like 10 newly sharpened scalpels tearing my heart to shreds. I know now why Romeo chose to die than live without his Juliet. If I had lost D, I would’ve wanted to die too.

Love is funny, isn’t it? On one hand, it can bring you joy beyond anything you could imagine. On the other, it can drag you down to the lowest depths of sorrow. It’s a paradox – an emotion beyond comprehension. Not even the great Romanticists could proffer an explanation of what it is and why it does what it does to the hapless lovers who suddenly find themselves caught in love’s delicious web. What moves these lovers to do the strange things they do? Don't ask me.

D will probably be upset at me for posting this here. I can almost hear him saying “Honey, people don’t want to read about heartaches. This won’t elicit comments!”

Who cares? In the first place, this post is not about heartaches. It’s about joy — the joy of a young woman who has found her one true love. It’s about gratitude for having someone in her life who is so patient and understanding. It’s about hope and resolve that she will try to make her man as happy as he makes her, even more. It’s about me loving D. Thank you, baby, for being the way you are. I love you beyond words and with all of me.

Your monkeybutt forever,

J

Firefox Version 1.07 installer available from us

If you would like an installer for Firefox version 1.07, just leave us a comment and an email address and we will send it to you at no cost.

Many extensions do not work on version 1.5, so if you are unhappy with 1.5, no worries, we will send an installer for 1.07

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

A Hearty Welcome to All


To all the fine folks who have come to pay us a visit, "WELCOME to our humble website"! As you can see, we are the new kids on the blog (get it? blog, block, sorry we have a lame sense of humor). But we have something very special to offer you - OURSELVES! Okay, not literally, but we are here to help you with whatever you need.

Have a personal dilemma or issue you need some advice for. Ask us. Maybe you just need a shoulder to cry on or a friend to bounce an idea off. We'll volunteer patience and advice non-judgmentally and with a smile.

Need to research on something quick but just don't have the time? We can help. See, the beautiful J has time on her hands (she's at home all day recovering from a surgery) so she can do all that for you.D goes to graduate school so he brings in not just the muscle but the brains too! Not that the gentle J is wanting in this area being an editor and writer in her spare time. But we'll still leave the muscle to D.

So here we are, our arms open wide in warm "hello"! Start posting your questions and/or requests. We are eager to be of service. We promise to try and give you the best possible answers and the best possible solutions to the problems you bring in. But hey, how you use the info we give you is entirely up to you. (Our lawyers made us say that.) We hope you use it well.

Just email us at musingswithababybottle@yahoo.com or leave us a comment on our blog. Either way we’ll get back to you in no time flat.

We also might use this site to talk a little about ourselves and maybe throw in a comment on current events, pop culture or even politics for good measure. But mostly we’re just here to have some fun and meet some interesting people.