If you blog 'em they will come!

We’re back! Sorry for the long silence. Just got caught up in the holidays and couldn’t find the time to sit down and write. But we’re back now and, hopefully, we haven’t completely lost the friends who come to visit us every now and then. Gosh, I never knew it was this demanding to maintain a blog….but it’s fun though and I’d never give up on it no matter how busy things may get.

So how is everyone? I’m trying to entertain myself here cause D is still away on a holiday somewhere and I was specifically tasked to make sure that things go along smoothly on our blog. Too bad I can’t add a chatroom window on here. Wouldn’t it be great if I could chat directly with our buddies who drop by? I’m sure Les would be fun to chat with. Loulou would be hilarious and Mr. Dinkle? Well, he’d be like Confucius giving out words of wisdom, I’m sure. Oh well, but this is a blog, not a paid website as D would remind me every now and then. It just seems so lonely sometimes without anyone to chat with!

Speaking of D, I wonder if he’s gone to see King Kong already. He likes monkeys (hopefully that’s why he calls me his monkeybutt), but I don’t. They remind me too much of humans (not that I hate humans being one myself). Besides it seems not a lot of people are excited to see this film anyway. Or am I wrong? You know what I think it is? I think most people have had enough of movies that boast of nothing but special effects. I think TV has over-discussed what goes on with these special effects thus taking away the mystery and fun of it all. It was quite exciting with Godzilla, Star Wars, even Forrest Gump. But now everyone knows about the blue screen, the hydrolics, the prosthesis. Sometimes when you discuss a thing too much, it loses its luster. Imagine if David Copperfield discussed on TV how he does his magic, then no one would go watch his performances anymore, right?

For those who are big King Kong fans, don’t mind me. I’m just rambling on. Truth is, I’m so excited to be back I don’t exactly know what to talk about. But I’ll get to it. Meanwhile, let me, on behalf of my sweetie D, greet you all a happy new year. And to those who left comments on my Christmas song post (thank God they were mostly nice…see what Christmas can do to people?) thank you, thank you so much for your kind words! Good thing Simon Cowell is not a blogger. Don’t worry, folks, I’m not about to record another song. Why not? Cause I plan to leave that Christmas song posted on here the entire year! JOKING! Oh well, guess this post has to end without me actually talking about anything. That’s okay since anyway all I really wanted to say was: HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!

J

A Holiday Song By J for You

Happy holidays to all our wonderful visitors! May the new year bring peace, joy and prosperity to all.

Let's Take the A Train. NOT!

Dear G. Pataki,

My girlfriend J, who is very pretty (she told me so), says that there cannot be a transit strike because this is the shopping season and people need to be able to shop for Christmas (even though she will soon be Jewish). Also, people and even Muslims need to be able to get to see the magical Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. So please your “g”ness, rock solid and put an end to this uncalled for strike.

Thanks, and as always, stay kosher,

D

P.S. You and the city have a contingency plan like I have a vagina.

I Expect Flowers Too

Dear D,

I am a female and would like to get a male’s opinion on this: should a girl offer to pay for dinner on a first date?

Deloris

Dear Deloris,

I like to go to a girl’s apartment on a first date. I find it very comfortable and it gives me a chance to see if she is tidy, which is a big turn on for me. So to answer your question, of course she should pay for the dinner, after all she is the one who had to do the shopping and the cooking. It is rather presumptuous to assume that I am going pay for her groceries on a first date.

She should also pay for my gas. After all, I am driving to her, and have you seen the price of gas lately.

I also think she should reimburse me for any ancillary costs I incur for the date: like condoms. Why in the world should I have to pay for condoms when she is the one who will be receiving the majority of the pleasure?

Finally, I expect some sort of parting gift for the date, perhaps a shirt or tie. That is not too much to ask for, is it?

So to answer your question again, yes, the girl should not only offer to pay for the date, she should.

D

P.S. Just kidding, I only expect her to pay for the condoms.

Going Down - Not Unless You Buy Me Dinner First

Life in these islands can be surreal – at times weirdly funny; at other times just a wee bit out-of-this-world. It has its rewards though especially for someone like me who suddenly found herself in an extended holiday in this exotic country. You see, I came here to the Philippines to visit an ailing aunt who, sadly, eventually passed away. Excited to see my cousins and trying in my own way to help my uncle get over the loss, I ended up staying for over two months. Then one thing led to another and I started developing severe stomach cramps. I was told I needed to undergo gall bladder surgery; so I did. Unfortunately, an unexpected thing happened during my surgey and in the height of all the tension, my surgeon accidentally sliced my bile duct. Zoom in to the present time and I’m still here, almost 5 months since I first came, trying to heal my wounds as quickly as humanly possible.

Don’t take me wrong though, I am not complaining. It’s true, I plan to sue the living daylights out of that stupid surgeon but as to my recovery, I can’t complain. My relatives are treating me like a real princess.

Hey, but this is not what this post is all about. It’s about funny things I’ve encountered so far in my interactions with people from here. Take for instance that one time I went to have my passport validated at the Canadian embassy. I was standing at the rearmost part of a ‘talking’ elevator in one of the more modern buildings in the city when, after listening to the elevator saying over and over, “You are now on the 29th floor. The door is about to close. You are now on the 30th floor. The door is about to close,” a young girl near the elevator door suddenly blurts out,”Mom, doesn’t that woman ever get tired of saying the same thing over and over?” Seemingly irked at her daughter’s rather stupid question, the woman answers in a voice loud enough for all of us passengers to hear, “How in heaven’s name can she get tired when . . .she’s getting paid to do that!”

Say what? Of course, I didn’t laugh! I didn’t smile either in case they start thinking I was laughing at them. But I immediately knew then as I positively know now — life in these islands is gonna be one interesting, side-splitting heck of a ride!

J

You Got Chocolate on My Condom. . . No, You Got Condom on My Chocolate!

I just finished watching an old episode of Seinfeld and it was hilarious. It’s about Jerry getting upset over finding a tube of fungicide in his girlfriend’s medicine cabinet. The reason: Ellen, who’s dating a podiatrist, warned him that a tube of fungicide in one’s bathroom meant Athlete’s foot! Of course, it turns out the ointment was for the girl’s cat.

But honestly, when you think about it, how many times have we actually let strangers (okay, we call them guests) walk into our bathrooms without making sure that the bathroom is clean enough or tidy enough not to expose things that give away some little secret about us. Think about it!

I should know, I had a similar thing happen to me. No, actually, to my cousin. Luckily, we were the 'unravelers' not the 'unravelees' of some dark hidden secret of a most unlikely couple. Ok, here's what happened. Cousin and I were invited for tea by her co-workers - a well-heeled, highly respected middle-aged couple who were both teachers in the school my cousin worked in. Just as we were about to sit down for tea, my cousin realized she needed to wash her hands. She came out a few minutes after with a weird expression on her face. It didn't need much prodding from me (it never does, if you knew my cousin) for her to blurt out, later that day, what she saw in the bathroom. The ugly truth: there was a giant-sized box of chocolate-flavored condoms on the shelf above the toilet! Excitedly she squealed, "Who would have known those two could be soooooo naughty, huh? Not to mention, a little kinky for their age, huh?!"

“How do you know those belong to them?” I asked. “Well, they also had chocolate flavored douche and some chocolate-flavored spray-on that read ‘for the added tingle,’” she insisted. I asked if that was all she saw. "There were also 6 boxes of Preparation H,” She said. “Don't tell me even those were chocolate-flavored!” I screamed. "Who are these people, Mr. and Mrs. Willie Wonka!" “Relax,” she said, “Preparation H was regular, classic sort. No flavor. Poor Harry must be having problems with his you-know-what.”

So, ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

Next time you invite guests over, it might be a good idea if you gave your bathroom a once-over. Just to make sure the coast is clear. After all, you wouldn't want all those hidden secrets about you opened up for public consumption, do you? Me? My leather whips and edible panties are safely tucked somewhere and hidden under lock and key. A girl needs her privacy.

No Blog Is an Island

I don’t know about you but life as a blogger, as we are painfully finding out, is lonely and frustrating. You do your best to give your readers something interesting to read, hoping you’d get a comment or two that may start an interesting thread of conversation. You hope to touch base with people with similar interests who want to share their ideas with you or maybe become friends with. But . . . sadly this doesn’t happen. Sure, you get comments, but one or two comments a week is just too little! D tells me not to worry about it. He says the important thng is, when we check our site meter, we see that people did drop by to visit our blog. But I really would have wanted to talk, you know? Share an opinion or a cup of coffee, toss an idea or a football, help with something, ANYTHING!

But one doesn't always get what one wants. So, whoever you are reading this, let me give you a big hug, a resounding kiss and a warm welcome to our blog! It would really be so much fun to get to know you and maybe visit your blog, too. But if that's not ok, well then, I understand. Just feel free to come back tomorrow and the day after.