Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Actors/Actresses Arrested in 2005

I could say something erudite about how this isn’t really a superficial exercise, but rather a reflection on the inappropriate and counter-productive amount of respect we accord celebrities: yada yada yada. Maybe it's just cool that so many actors/actresses get busted so we can laugh at their distress and feel better about ourselves (or something like that).

Feel free to let us know of any oversights. There’s probably a PhD candidate somewhere who is breaking his parent’s hearts and bank account that needs a thorough list.

......................................The LIST.......................................

* Brancato Jr., Lillo: Heroin, burglary, involved in murder of a policeman, others. Got his break in the Robert De Niro-directed film "A Bronx Tale'' in 1993 and played doomed mob wannabe Matt Bevilacqua during the 1999-2000 season of "The Sopranos." He was really good in "The Sopranos." What a colossal fall!

* Brown, Bobby: Failure to pay child support. “Being Bobby Brown.” Yea, he’s not really an actor, but his show is the best on TV. Given all his past transgressions, 2005 was actually a pretty good year for Mr. Brown.

* Carey, Alison: Prostitution. This is Mariah Carey’s sister. She is not an actor, but damn, this is Mariah’s sister.

* Carter, Nick. DUI. Also he allegedly maybe possible smacked around Paris. Is he an actor? He’s probably been in something. Who cares. Any pussy who smacks a chick (allegedly) should get all the bad publicity he deserves.

* Channing, Stockard: DUI. “The West Wing,” “Grease.” She'll always be Rizzo to me.

* Cook, Jason: Possession of drug paraphernalia (marijuana pipe), public intoxication. “Days of Our Lives.” I thought this sort of behavior was expected of soap stars.

* Cosby, Bill: Sexual assault. "The Cosby Show." No criminal charges (only civil) were filed, but there have been several women who have made similar claims. Sorry pudding-man, when there is smoke, there is usually fire.

* Crowe, Russell: Assault, possession of a weapon. “Gladiator”, “Cinderalla Man.” I suppose a phone can be considered a weapon. You ever drunk dialed anyone?

* Gamba, Danielle: Disorderly conduct on a plane. She is not technically an actress, but she was in Playboy, so it’s just a matter of time before she is on Cinemax. Besides, she is really cute.

* Hatch, Richard: Tax evasion. First season “Survivor” winner. He may not technically be an actor but he has appeared as himself in a few shows. I suspect that this is not the last we'll be hearing from dear-old-angry-naked Richard.

* Houston, Whitney: Possession of drugs. “The Bodyguard.” Given all her abuses, she has done a fantastic job of staying out of the clutches of the law. I hope her children don't end up like the Ozzbourne's pharmaceutical-abusing spawn.

* Kasch, Cody: Possession of marijuana. “Desperate Houswives.” Never heard of him. Never seen the show. But he is only a teenager, so not really that big of a deal. Then again the Different Strokes kids were once only teenagers too.

* Klein, Chris: DUI, being a schmuck. “American Pie.” He should have been arrested for some of his brain-dead comments concerning women and his relationships with them. I guess we shouldn't really be surpised that his ex Katie Holmes ended up (for now at least) with the ultimate freak of them all since she stayed with this pencil-eraser for five years.

* Langham, Chris: Internet child pornography. Appeared in BBC show “The Thick of It.” Ain't nothing funny about child porn. They're gonna love his ass in prison.

* Love, Courtney: Possession of Drugs. “The People vs. Larry Flynt.” One of the most troubled stars of them all. Her behavior at the Pamela Anderson roast was both uncomfortable and hysterical.

* Minter, Carrie: She was with Danielle Gamba on the plane. Also in Playboy. Same rationale.

* Paul, Alexandra: Failure to obey police officer. “Baywatch.” Not really sure why she was ever cast on Baywatch - a show that did more to exploit cuvy women than perhaps any other. I guess the producers (Hasselhoff?) dedcided that "something-for-everyone" was a good approach.

* Patric, Jason: Public intoxication. “Speed 2,” “The Alamo.” Speed 2 sucked, although the ship's perforation of the dock was cool.

* Payne, Bruce: Threatening behavior on a plane. “Passenger 57.” Don't really know who he is, but the claims are that he was also intoxicated. Next time I fly, I'm gonna get drunk at the airport before takeoff. You're not a real man until you get drunk at an aiport bar.

* Qui, Yuen: Illegal gambling. “Kung Fu Hustle,” “The Man With the Golden Gun.” Classic bond is still the best bond.

* Renfro, Brad: Heroin. Appeared in such films as “The Client”, “Apt Pupil” and “Ghost World.” When you get arrested on skid row in a police sting, you know things are desperate.

* Rhys-Meyers, Johnathon: Assault, possession of marijuana. "Bend it Like Beckham," "Match Point." The assault was for hitting his teenage girlfriend. Lock him up.

* Rodriguez, Michelle: DUI. “Lost.” The best part of this was she pulled a "do you know who I am" delusion.

* Sizemore, Tom: Possession of drugs, domestic violence. “Saving Private Ryan,” “Black Hawk Down.” His rap sheet is longer than this list, but he still gets acting jobs up the wazoo. It's good to be an actor.

* Slater, Christian: Sexual misconduct. “Windtalkers,” “Hollow Man” and a whole mess of other lousy movies. Although check out “Who is Cletis Tout” for a fun, under the radar movie that has a super hot Portia de Rossi.

* Sheen, Martin: Protesting without a permit (or something like that). “The West Wing.” The "West Wing" was excellent, then it was bad, then it was good, now I don't really care if it's even still on.

* Tucker, Chris: Speeding, eluding police. “Rush Hour.” I think he is the last person in the US who still believes Michael Jackson is innocent.

* Watros, Cynthia: DUI. “Lost.” Has this entire cast been arrested now?

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