Thursday, January 05, 2006

Mommy Dearest

Dear J & D,

My mother calls me pet names in public. I'm her 'little dinky doo.' That was fine when I was a child, but now I am 26. How I do get her to stop this without hurting her feelings?

Thank you,

Too Old for Pet Names

Dear Too Old for Pet Names,

I know how embarrassing that is especially when you’re in a busy supermarket, lining up at the cash register and your mom turns to you and says, “Did you get the cheese, dinky doo?”

There’s something sweet about parents not realizing their kids are grown up. I’ve learned to just ignore it. Even D doesn’t mind being called his mom’s ‘love muffin.’ However, because you seem to feel strongly about this, let me give you 3 suggestions on how to deal with dear old mom.

When she starts calling you pet names, turn to her and in the same tone of voice start calling her 'momsie', 'momoo', 'mommykins', 'momsie poo' or whatever sickeningly saccharine pet names you can come up with! One of three things will result from this: 1) she can enjoy it; 2) she can get embarrassed and finally get your point; OR 3) the two of you can totally freak out all the other shoppers and get arrested in a public scandal which will land you on the Jerry Springer show and get you 15 minutes of fame, you Paris Hilton-wanna-be.

Another tact would be to sit dear old mom down in her favorite armchair, look her straight in the eyes, and tell her, even beg her if you have to, to please, please, please stop calling you pet names in public because it’s embarrassing the hell out of you! After the initial shock, what you’re saying will slowly sink in and again, one of three things will happen: 1) she can agree; 2) she can give you the cold shoulder; OR 3) she can call up her lawyer and cut your ungrateful ass off and remove you from her will. After all, she carried you for 9 months, and giving birth to someone with a head the size of a watermelon was not a freaking picnic. For god sakes, she was in labor for 2 ½ days. And thanks to you her breasts now look like tennis balls in plastic bags. Considering this, being called her 'little foofoo' is a bargain.

And of course the third thing you can do, and I highly recommend this, is to just smile and ignore it when dear old mom starts calling you 'dinky doo' or 'babesy whoo'. It’s her pet name for you and it should make you happy that she loves you enough to give you a pet name. No need to be embarrassed by it! Unless of course the names she calls you are something like 'stinky toes', 'tub-o-lard-o', 'my little “accident”', 'abortion-shoulda-had', or 'don’t know who your daddy is.'

So what’s our advice to you? Don’t sweat it! Let things be. If it makes dear old momsie happy to call you pet names in public, then let her! Just go shopping with her and charge everything to her credit card! That’s what 'little dinky doos' do anyway.

J & D


barenekkid babe said...

Hey D, I have a pet name for you. Can I call you MINE?

J said...

I think . . . NOT! Sorry.

Kyrax said...

Can't blame you about not liking the baby names. My mother loves telling the story that when I was six I told her that I wanted to be called "Tim" instead of "Timmy" - and she went along with that.