Wednesday, December 14, 2005

You Got Chocolate on My Condom. . . No, You Got Condom on My Chocolate!

I just finished watching an old episode of Seinfeld and it was hilarious. It’s about Jerry getting upset over finding a tube of fungicide in his girlfriend’s medicine cabinet. The reason: Ellen, who’s dating a podiatrist, warned him that a tube of fungicide in one’s bathroom meant Athlete’s foot! Of course, it turns out the ointment was for the girl’s cat.

But honestly, when you think about it, how many times have we actually let strangers (okay, we call them guests) walk into our bathrooms without making sure that the bathroom is clean enough or tidy enough not to expose things that give away some little secret about us. Think about it!

I should know, I had a similar thing happen to me. No, actually, to my cousin. Luckily, we were the 'unravelers' not the 'unravelees' of some dark hidden secret of a most unlikely couple. Ok, here's what happened. Cousin and I were invited for tea by her co-workers - a well-heeled, highly respected middle-aged couple who were both teachers in the school my cousin worked in. Just as we were about to sit down for tea, my cousin realized she needed to wash her hands. She came out a few minutes after with a weird expression on her face. It didn't need much prodding from me (it never does, if you knew my cousin) for her to blurt out, later that day, what she saw in the bathroom. The ugly truth: there was a giant-sized box of chocolate-flavored condoms on the shelf above the toilet! Excitedly she squealed, "Who would have known those two could be soooooo naughty, huh? Not to mention, a little kinky for their age, huh?!"

“How do you know those belong to them?” I asked. “Well, they also had chocolate flavored douche and some chocolate-flavored spray-on that read ‘for the added tingle,’” she insisted. I asked if that was all she saw. "There were also 6 boxes of Preparation H,” She said. “Don't tell me even those were chocolate-flavored!” I screamed. "Who are these people, Mr. and Mrs. Willie Wonka!" “Relax,” she said, “Preparation H was regular, classic sort. No flavor. Poor Harry must be having problems with his you-know-what.”

So, ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

Next time you invite guests over, it might be a good idea if you gave your bathroom a once-over. Just to make sure the coast is clear. After all, you wouldn't want all those hidden secrets about you opened up for public consumption, do you? Me? My leather whips and edible panties are safely tucked somewhere and hidden under lock and key. A girl needs her privacy.


J & D said...

A post this good deserves a comment, baby.


Fletch said...

I don't want to cross any lines here or belittle safe sexual practices, but flavored condoms? Do people really use them?

I remember getting the talk from the sex ed. kids in college about how flavored condoms are a great way to give someone a yeast infection. Good by Kiss o' Mint!

Les Becker said...

I was a chronic bathroom "snoop" when I was a kid. If I was visiting with the parents, I would go through the host's bathroom cabinets, first chance. Until my old aunt's house. when every bottle and pill in the medicine cabinet came tumbling out into the sink and toilet with a cacaphony of clinks, tinkles and crashes. Cured me good.